Apologies if there is a MASSIVE lack of continuity from the last post… between the two, 7 months had passed and suffice to say I’d rather forget most of them! but, I rather like this post… it has a nice air of optimism and I am only taking my fave posts with me to my new home.. kind of like a spring clean! (how relevant to the following! xx Amelia)
I’ve often wondered whether, if you could, you would hit DELETE on entire chunks of your life; just like spring cleaning your wardrobe – throwing out the flares and pile of T- shirts you only ever wear to bed.
If I could, theoretically erase pieces of the past, would I delete the useless bits? like the hours spent watching TV or waiting for the tube? These memories have to still be in there somewhere, clogging up your hard-drive like a lifetime’s worth of nondescript fluff. Or, would I be more tactical, deleting childhood memories – the time I saw my grandad in an open casket, or when I got lost in the shopping centre. Maybe go further and delete memories from the Gulf War in Israel, the smell of my rubber gas mask and the plastic on the windows shivering as the buildings shook, the siren whirring eerily from the TV.
Some would say these memories contribute to making a person who they are, but how much better could I be without them?
I’ve often also wondered if I would be better off deleting all the bad relationships in my life.
How happy is the blameless Vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.
The day after I finally ended things with the ex (last Sunday to be exact) I watched Eternal Sunshine with the obligatory box of tissues. As Joel and Clem were running through all their memories, trying to hold onto the good times and the bad, I wondered if I could not entirely erase, but just file down the last seven months, whether I would?
“Blessed are the forgetful: for they shall have done with their stupidities too.” (Neitsche; Beyond Good and Evil)
I’d erase the breakup, definitely. Maybe the last few months completely. The distance, the wall, the way I looked at him and saw only my own anger reflected in a shadow of a person I once cared for. The dreams that told me what I already knew, that he didn’t care anymore. Maybe never did.
But for every bad memory there was an equally good one. A kiss good bye in my doorway with the rain pelting down around, stopping on the walk home on Blackfriars’s bridge to look at the water, when he told me he hadn’t ever felt this way and the night we burnt the pizza. The first time he told me he loved me on New Year’s Eve but then the very next day made me feel so horrible.
I couldn’t keep just some of them. If I could delete them all, would I?
Thinking you can learn something from a relationship is kind of like a security blanket you use to make up for the burning realisation that you’ve wasted your time, and your energy on something pointless. Maybe it’s best to; in the words of the cardigans – Erase and Rewind?
For now, I’ll be hanging on to his stripy T-shirt, and the little tin box of keepsakes. Maybe one day I’ll look at them and smile